


Beginning of the End

by classicasshole



Series: The Long Conversation [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Abuse Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hydra, Not Canon Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Recovery, Short One Shot, Therapy, i hope no one is too ooc, steve is bad at emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classicasshole/pseuds/classicasshole
Summary: Steve and Bucky struggle with the new dynamics of their relationship





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first chronologically in the series, can be read as a one shot

The sharp pain that ripped through his knuckles as he pummeled a faceless AIM robot was just the kind of distraction he needed. When they got the call Steve had been relieved! Relieved to have an excuse to leave the apartment, to get away from the oppressive silence and the crushing weight of a half-remembered shared history. 

He has never been one for self-reflection, never needed it, he has always been sure of his path, sure in his reasoning. But, ever since he got Bucky back nothing has been so black and white. He has never stopped to examine his motivations before, having always acted instinctively. Now his whole philosophy was being upended. After spending any amount of time with Bucky or talking to the lead doctor Steve has felt compelled to look inward, reflect upon his actions and feelings. Instead of that he'll go out and fight sentient robots.

In the midst of all the chaos Steve feels a sense of purpose. This is, quite literally, what he was made for. Its what he is best at, and he is helping people, saving them. He relishes the intensity of battle, in a way only Thor seems to understand and share. He sees the blonde god to his right, easily swatting the swarming robots away with Mjölnir. 

With his adrenaline pumping all his thoughts are focused on the fight, monitoring his team, his family. Its not all the Avengers, the robots aren't that much of a threat. Thor and Sam were at the tower when the call came in and Tony sensed Justin Hammer's involvement and so could not be dissuaded from coming. Natasha was away on a mission with Clint backing her up. She wouldn't say where or for how long but Steve knew she could handle herself. 

In the aftermath he was forced to talk to news crews that swamped the team. He reassured everyone and let them know that the Avengers were on top of things. Only in the quinjet, on the way back to the Tower did Steve begin to unwind. In the silence of the jet and without any distractions now his thoughts drifted to Bucky.

He had joined Sam once the man had gotten wind of Bucky in Bulgaria. Steve had been expecting a fight, resistance. He got neither. Bucky had recognised Steve, made no move to attack or run, just stood in the abandoned factory, staring at Steve. He went with Steve and Sam easily, the journey back to America was mostly silent. He fought tooth and nail with his teammates, well mostly Natasha and Tony, and the reemerged SHIELD led by Coulson. They all wanted Barnes locked up, his version of the serum studied. But Steve was having none of it. Once Stark interacted with Bucky he had begrudgingly allowed him to stay at the Tower and provided excellent medical care. Natasha kept her distance which was fine. Coulson and his team had wanted to get up close and personal with Bucky which Steve expressly forbid. 

He only had gotten his best friend back 2 moths ago, after searching for a year and a half. Two months in the Tower and Steve was not sure how things were progressing. Bucky was quiet, never offering up anything unless asked. He wouldn't eat or drink unless sustenance was put in front of him, and even then he needed verbal permission to eat. What had been done to Bucky as a result of Steve's failings, as his CO and as his best friend, were thoughts that have kept Steve awake on countless nights. 

Once showered and changed Steve can no longer avoid his friend without being called cowardly, so goes searching. He finds Bucky in the library that's just below their floor. He is curled up in an alcove, back against the wall but soaking up the heat from the sun streaming through the floor to ceiling window. Steve just watches for a silent moment. To have Bucky here with him in the 21st century is nothing short of a miracle. He quickly curses himself for describing what happened to Bucky as a miracle, but well, Steve has always been selfish when it comes to his best friend. He can never let the other man go, not fully. It has caused him problems in the past. Peggy did not understand Steve and Bucky's relationship, it was a point of contention between them throughout the war. And now, there was considerable strain within the team because of Steve's insistence on keeping Bucky close. They just didn't understand, nobody could, sadly not even Bucky himself, the link between the two men was unbreakable, it would hold through anything, Steve was convinced.

Telegraphing his presence Steve moves towards the relaxed figure. "Hey Buck, how ya doing?" All he gets is a glance in his direction before those icy eyes shift back to staring out the window. That's not a problem, silence isn't going to deter Steve. The doctor's had said it will take a long time and a lot of therapy before Bucky is back to interacting fluidly with others. Steve sits on the floor, keeping Bucky in sight but not crowding him, this is the most effective way of interacting with him, Steve finds. 

He waits the brunette out, pushing the other man to contribute to a conversation.

Finally after over 10 minutes of silence, "I saw you on the tv", Bucky croaks.

"Yeah, there was an issue with robots" he runs a hand through his hair, allowing some exhaustion to show through "It wasn't so bad, no one was seriously injured." Bucky had zoned out ignoring what Steve had just said.

"Romanoff stopped by today" Bucky offers, out of nowhere. His expression dark. Steve doesn't know their history he only knows there is history. Natasha and Bucky were always tense around each other and no amount of encouragement from anyone would solved the situation. 

"What! I didn't know she was back from her mission." Steve tries to keep neutral, knowing how sensitive both parties could be. 

"Tell me again, how am I not a prisoner when she or Stark can just override anything I ask F.R.I.D.A.Y to do?"

"Buck-"

"You should stop making promises you can't keep Rogers" he interrupts bluntly. "Don't lie and say I have complete privacy when I don't."

"That wasn't my intention Buck."

"But nevertheless it was a lie."

Steve didn't know how to respond to that so he segued, non to smoothly, "Well I'll go and find Natasha to talk about it."

As he leaves the library he misses the look of pure contempt that Bucky directs at him.

*

"All in one piece I see. Those robots didn't give you much trouble?"

Steve is glad to have her back. Since the whole Hydra-in-SHIELD fiasco, they have been close. There is still an underlying tension though. Natasha will always have her secrets and Steve respects that. The trust is there but they will never have that deep knowledge of the other. Not the way he has with Bucky. He knows the man's favourite food, favourite song, how many drinks its takes for him to pass out. Its just a different kind of friendship and he treasures both. 

"Well according to Stark the only threat AIM pose now that they have partnered with Justin Hammer is through sheer incompetence rather than malice, but he tends to exaggerate."

"Back in the gym already? That's quick even for you Cap." Natasha cutting to the point straight away but in an indirect manner, it truly is an art form.

"We both know why I'm here, or one of the reasons why I'm here. Why did you go see Bucky? You two don't exactly get along."

Se shrugs a shoulder delicately.

"You must have really wanted to talk to him since you overrode F.R.I.D.A.Y's protocols to do so."

"You give him too much freedom. Yo-"

"Dammit Nat! You and Stark are totally undermining his recovery. As I recall reading in your file Fury gave you quite a long leash in the beginning, with the condition that Barton would be your handler. I'm looking after Bucky that should be enough for you, for everybody!"

He hadn't realised how mad he was about it until he started his rant. Everybody seemed to get a second chance except Bucky, It wasn't fair!

"He's dangerous Steve."

"We're all dangerous" he scoffs.

Natasha scowls in response, "It's Stark's Tower take it up with him" and stalk out of the gym.

Heaving a weary sigh he takes the lift back up to his apartment. That conversation will require more energy and patience than he has right now. 

*

The weeks pass by and Steve sees a gradual change in Bucky. He makes eye contact now, remembers to eat, to not gorge himself, that there will always be plenty of food. He even tolerates Sam's presence in the apartment some evenings. 

However there is always tension between Bucky and everybody who is not Steve (or his doctor). Steve can spend time with Bucky or with the Avengers, but never together, never at the same time. 

Steve has monthly meetings with Bucky's head doctor. She goes over progress, setbacks, expectations, everything. Bucky likes her, and that's all that Steve really cares about.

During one such meeting Dr. Renata asks Steve to hang back after their usual discussion, Bucky only hesitates for a second before closing the door behind him. 

"Whats up doc?" he chuckles.

"How are you doing Steve?"

Is she seriously trying to give him a psych evaluation right now? He looks at her incredulously.

"I only ask because taking all this on, James, captaining the Avengers, juggling friend groups...it can be difficult. And James depends on you for so much. So for him to be healthy you need to be healthy. I never advise such strong co-dependency but I am aware this is a unique situation."

"I'm fine doc really. Some days are stressful but its not 24/7, nothing I can't deal with."

"Did you know James has been looking into different hobbies, trying to find new interests?"

"No he didn't tell me." he frowns, why wouldn't Bucky share this with him?

"He seems to be interested in gardening, he's done a lot of reading up on it and seems to enjoy telling me about what he's learned in our sessions."

Rather than address the fact that Bucky has not been sharing any of this with him he asks "Can you -"

"Yes. James has given me permission to share certain things from our sessions. And I know he has not been sharing much with you. What I want to gauge is your awareness of how much James is withholding."

Steve doesn't respond, his mind is racing. Bucky hasn't been telling him everything. That's fine. Steve is happy for his best friend to have secrets, that's healthy, normal. What he wants to know is why Dr Renata is assessing him. What are her intentions? "Do you mind getting to the point doc, whats this all really about?"

She smiles placidly, "Direct as usual Captain Rogers. James is my patient and while you are under the impression that as his 'best friend' you are responsible for him, well you are incorrect. He is my responsibility. I want him to get better and he has plateaued."

Steve does not appreciate the way she says best friend as if there are air quotes around the term. And is she insinuating he is responsible for Bucky's lack of progression? She must see his growing anger and indignation, but she is unperturbed and continues, "It has become clear to me over the course of our sessions that James is adverse to any and all forms of violence. His interesting in gardening and horticulture, I believe, stem from his desire to move as far away from violence as possible, planting things, helping them to grow and thrive." She pauses, assessing Steve's reaction. He gives away nothing.

She continues "Your job is very violent, is it not?"

Steve grits his teeth and doesn't respond. He is fuming, whatever the doc is getting at it clear she thinks negatively of him.

"I'm only asking because of James' sensitivity to violence. I've seen you Captain Rogers, in the gym. You are an intimidating man. The people you surround yourself with, and in turn surround James with, are all trained in the ways of violence, spies, arms dealers -"

"What the hell are you saying?" he spits out, no longer able to hold his silence.

Remaining infuriatingly calm Dr. Renata replies "James' privacy has been violated multiple times, this has increased his belief that people are using the Tower's surveillance to spy on him, in his room and even during our sessions. I wish I could put him at ease but I couldn't say with any certainty that that's not happening. There are several people who hold a grudge against him in this very building. People you are friends with."

At this point Steve is standing, chest heaving with indignation, he waits to see if there is more.

"James would benefit greatly living somewhere else, with different people, not necessarily you, but away from your teammates. He can't start over with so many reminders of his past around."

"Meaning me" Steve seethes.

"That's not what I meant Captain and you know it" she responds evenly. "What's best for James is a less violent environment, with people who are of a more relaxed lifestyle."

"Then he will be defenseless if someone att-"

"He is not a helpless child, he is quite capable of defending himself. And I have very strong doubts all the people that you think would rush to his defense actually would." she says pointedly. 

"I don't know what you expect me to say or do."

"I try and avoid over simplifying issues and I don't think it would benefit James at all if I told you you had to choose. So I am just going to say this. I am of the opinion that you would greatly benefit from talking to someone, to help you gain perspective on your life and help you navigate the complex relationships you have. What you are doing Captain Rogers is no easy thing and while I commend you for your devotion. But for my patients' sake he needs to be somewhere more stable."

He's so shocked and angry he's unable to speak. He cannot stand here and listen to how he has failed Bucky. He is well aware of his failures and someone else pointing them out is just a slap in the face. All he can manage is a curt nod before storming out of the doctor's office. 

He can't make heads or tails of his emotions. He has never felt less in control of himself. He goes to the less used gym and asks F.R.I.D.A.Y. to bar anyone from entering. By the end of his session his knuckles look like minced meat. 

*

After a long mission Steve forgoes scrub down and will debrief in the morning. He walks into the apartment looking like the walking dead. He doesn't think much of it until he catches the look on Bucky's face. That is before the other man abruptly gets up and locks himself in his bedroom. Too exhausted to inquire he retreats to his own room and collapses atop the covers falls into a restless slumber.

Steve is surprised when he re-enters the apartment after debrief in the morning to find Dr. Renata sitting at the breakfast bar. He has not spoken to her since their heated discussion two weeks ago. He walks to the fridge to grab a water before squaring his shoulders and facing her, "What bring you here doc, Bucky is down in the gym."

"Actually James is out on his patio that Ms. Potts kindly had set up, he is tending to his garden. But that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here?" he asks, like a petty child. The insinuation that the doctor knew more about Bucky than he did hurt more than it should.

"James uses gardening to relieve stress, almost as a form of meditation. He was quite upset when I talked to him this morning, do you know what set him off?"

"No, he was upset last night before I came back from a mission."

Dr. Renata exhales heavily through her nose, looking quite angry, "For God's sake Captain Rogers I know you grew up in a different era but you cannot be this dense. He was upset because you came back in quite a state last night."

"It was some bruising and a few minor cuts, all healed by this morning."

"That's not the point!" she explodes, "Did you take nothing in from our previous conversation. James cares a great deal for you but he is unable to show it in traditional ways. He was upset that you were hurt."

"Well I'll let him know I'm fine" he moves towards the elevator but a small, firm hand on his chest stops him. Dr. Renata is glaring up at him.

"That garden is his safe space and I will not have you violating that. I feel I have to speak up for James because he won't do it himself. Your lifestyle is toxic for him, he needs to be away from all of this chaos and violence. You are doing far more damage than you know."

"I won't stand here and listen to you tell me I don't know what's best for my best friend. I've known him longer than years you've lived. I know him better than anyone and I will not have you tell me any different!"

The anger drains from her and she looks at him with pity "You haven't even tried to get to know James, you are clinging to who he used to be. This will only damage him in the long run. Steven, I urge you to get help so you will be better equipped to deal with James and whatever issues may arise."

"If that's all doc I'ma have to ask you to leave." he says coldly.

Shaking her head she leaves him with some choice words, "Once James recovers enough of himself you will regret taking his friendship for granted. Once he retains even the smallest sense of self-worth he will most likely make some choices that you won't like, and you will only have yourself to blame. Remember I tried to help you."

Bucky comes back to the apartment an hour later with dirt caked under his nails and grass stains on his sweats. 

"How was the gym Buck?"

"Hmmm? It was fine."

This was the beginning point he realises. This is where Steve understood that he was losing Bucky, maybe never even had him in the first place. A sense of dread pools in Steve's stomach and settles in for the long haul.

**Author's Note:**

> ah I'm not sure what this is, I'm not super happy with it, but I wanted to add something to this series
> 
> kudos and comments always appreciated :)))
> 
>  
> 
> I'm on tumblr
> 
> urban-caesar.tumblr.com


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